Since the topic of this blog is mostly focused on “hindsight”, I thought that I would share one of the biggest lessons of my life to this point. Plus, writing is the biggest outlet that I have right now, and I can hear my Dad saying “Write it down, I know it feels better when you do”. So, I hope all of you will be patient, as this is gonna be a long one…
When I was a little girl (about 10 years old) I used to think that I was going to be the next Danielle Steele, and my Daddy would tell me that if I put my mind to it, I could be anything that I wanted. He sat for hours editing, re-wording, and explaining what the meaning of constructive criticism. Back then I thought he was amazing for helping me, today I realize that this was his way of nurturing my dreams, and giving me courage to explore my talents as an individual. So, this one is for you Daddy…
We are all guilty of it. Moving around through life as if we have all the TIME in the world to spend with the ones we love. TIME to do this or that, TIME to say I love you, TIME to HEAR IT IN RETURN. We argue with each other and expect to have TIME to heal those words. We complain about the weather, the bills, politics, and religion. We gossip, make fun of each other, and judge without taking a second look. If you are reading this, be honest with yourself, I have done all of those things and so have you. Of course, we have different degrees of what we a guilty of, but we are all guilty.
WE ARE HUMAN. WE HAVE FLAWS.
My Daddy has taught me to absorb great moments, almost take a snapshot of them to replay and reflect on. I can’t tell you the number of times he and I have sat together and just reveled in life’s blessings. He is my favorite person to do this with, mostly because I can literally see his eyes light up while I watch him reliving these moments.
I want to say that my Daddy IS MY HERO. He always has been and always will be. Since my Daddy has been a police officer my whole life, I literally have a Daddy that fights the “bad guys”. I remember thinking that he was a superhero when I was a child and that nothing could ever hurt him. He is compassionate, loving, and sentimental. He gives the best hugs, and tells me he loves me as much as I need to hear it. Sometimes he tells me just to watch my face light up. I could go on and on about what kind of Father that I have, and how amazing he is. I know that people like to paint perfect pictures in time like this, but if you had asked me three weeks ago I would have told you the same thing. I HAVE THE PERFECT DADDY.
If you know me at all, you know that I have been a Daddy’s girl my entire life. He can do no wrong in my eyes. I remember when (the few times it actually happened) he would get upset with me; I had the opposite reaction of most people. I didn’t get defensive, I looked inward. What did I do? How can I be better? You might be shaking your head right now, but I am only like this with Dad. I know it sounds silly, but his opinion has always been the one that counted the most, and still is.
So here is the elephant that I have been avoiding and talking my way around. My Daddy had a stroke. What is the medical definition of that….WHO CARES. Let me tell you what the real definition is, the one that medical science doesn’t provide.
A stoke is a thief, a robber of the worst kind. It steals your loved one from you. It is not kind, nor does it care who the victim is. It does not care what destruction it leaves, or how much it hurts the people it effects. It steals life, sometimes not completely, but it steals as much as it can and leaves you to clean up the mess without fully knowing what mess there is to clean up. It does all of these things and more. It leaves fear, disgust, anger, sadness, and EMENSE PAIN. The worst thing of all is that if the Stroke does not take the life completely, it traps the victim in his mind. The victim has to watch loved ones hurt without the opportunity to provide comfort. He watches the pain in their eyes, He can’t tell you of his own pain. He can think on his own but can’t do on his own. The stoke robs pride and dignity, words, and hugs. It tries to rob love, but that is where it fails.
So now, it comes down to what I have learned.
1. Jesus is Lord.
Not that I didn’t know this before, but it is more prevalent in my life than ever before. The doctors say things that they find, give us reports, and try to speculate on what they think will happen. My Lord however, is the one who decides. I am not going to get into a lengthy discussion on my faith, but I am going to say that without my faith I have NOTHING. I mean that in the literal sense as well as in a permanent sense. The Lord is the one who is making my legs move, He is the one who is keeping me from falling apart at the seams. If you are judging me right now, that is fine by me. I will not deny my heavenly Father and His power, because I have seen (in the course of my life) and continue to see daily how He works. I also know with every fiber of my being that when I lose a loved one (and at some point I will) it will only be once. I know this because I understand the full concept of what Heaven is and why I am going there, not because I am a good person, or because I deserve to go, but because my sins were PAID IN FULL.
2. I need to take time to live my life.
I am going to say it again, not that I don’t live, but I want to be more present in my own life. I want to be greatful for the chaos of the holidays, for my crazy wonderful family. I want to not worry about STUPID things like who said what or did whatever. WHO CARES!!! I no longer have time for grudges, for hurt feelings, and for people taking advantage of others. Take advantage of me, use me, and take whatever you can. I know I need to explain that last sentence and I will. I just simply mean that I want to give with all I have and not worry about what I get in return. I don’t want to ever see gifts under a tree again. I want revel in the gifts of love that God has given me. I know that I live this way some of the time, but this reminded me that I need to do this more. We all know the old cliché “tomorrow is not promised to anyone”, but that slapped me in the face last week in a big way. I saw my Daddy on Tuesday, we laughed, we hugged, and acted like we would see each other again and still be able to interact in the same way for the rest of time. Wednesday he had a massive Stroke that should have taken his life. No warning, no signs, nothing. The first regret was …why didn’t I hold him longer, smell his cologne, look in his eyes and say I love you with all the meaning in my heart. I can’t get that moment back, but I can change the ones to come. Not just the moments with Daddy, but with everyone.
There are more lessons to take from this, but these were my favorite.
Another thing, my Daddy is still here, he is alive, he knows who I am and is the same person on the inside he has always been. I am not writing him off, in fact I believe with all of my heart that God will bring him back to us one piece at a time. What I struggle with the most is watching my Hero, watch me watching him struggle. I am scared to do something wrong, scared to help too much, and desperately trying to find balance.
The point of this blog is to HOLD ON TO EVERY MOMENT. You don’t know what tomorrow brings.
