One month after I finally decided to go back to college and started classes, Dad had the stroke. I spent as much time with him as I could. I saw him pretty much everyday. I made dinner for him almost every night. That was the only thing I could do to help him..to cook. Really? Try that one on for size...your parent is suffering and all you can do is try to make them smile and bring food.
It wasn't enough, it will never be enough. Don't get me wrong, I do not feel guilty. I know I did everything I could have, spent every free moment I had with Dad. That is not the point. The point is I pushed on through class, I endured life. It SUCKED.
I have spent the past 13 months telling myself "keep moving, keep pushing forward, don't break down, almost there, as soon as this is over you can have your moment". I have lived the "fall off the horse, jump right back on and try again" cliche. I have been waiting for "my moment".
My "moment" came last night while I was making dinner and realized I had no cream of mushroom soup for my recipe. Tears fell like rain and then came the shouting. OVER SOUP! Well, not really over the soup... you get the picture, it was my breaking point.
While the breaking point happened last night, the revelation came today. I was sitting on the back deck and drinking my coffee, thinking about my ridiculous meltdown, all of the ridiculous school work that has become my life, stupid bills, stupid laundry, ridiculous bad hair day (are we seeing a trend) when I though to myself , "STOP! You can do this, keep pushing..." and then "NO, that answer is not good enough anymore. How many times am I going to say just over this next hurdle and then I will deal with all of this, then I will breathe." I literally could not see a stopping point until...oh, August of 2015...when I graduate with my Bachelors! NOT GOOD.
So I have decided to make a stopping point for myself. I withdrew from class today. For how long? I have no clue, a month or two at the least
Why? Because I have to deal with this. I have to heal, to flush out the gaping hole in my heart. The wound is going to take time to heal either way. Do I let it fester and get really bad or do I spiritually cleanse and let God close it a little at a time? I prefer the latter.
I know that losing someone you love takes time to deal with, to compartmentalize emotion, and to understand the loss. I have been through the drill quite a few times, but never with a parent. There are emotions and experiences that I can't share but I will tell you that "hard" doesn't do it justice.
I want to be honest here. I am not as strong as I appear. If fact, I am not strong at all. God makes my legs move everyday. He gives me the courage to face the hurt. He is giving me the courage to say "I can't". I am strong on the outside because God allows me to be. I am broken on the inside and now I am going to ask Him to heal me.
Today's Hind Sight Lesson: Saying "I can't do it" is not a weakness. It means that I am strong enough to admit that I can't do something right now. I will overcome, but I need the time to do it in. I need to breathe and to regroup. I need to fix the broken leg I sustained after falling off of the horse instead of trying to get back on with it still broken.
