Father's Day

Father's Day was always a special day for Daddy and I. I grew up with my Dad telling me the story of how excited he was the day I was born, making him a first time Father on Father's Day. Although it might not have been on the actual "day" we always found some special way to celebrate, just the two of us.

One of my favorite pictures

We had numerous father/daughter trips to new resturants (we both shared a love for food), trips to Stone Mountain for the laser show, a Fleetwood Mac concert, and countless Braves Games. Each time, is wasn't about what we wree doing, but that we were doing it together. I know that I was blessed with a Dad who became my friend as I grew into an adult, and honestly I really miss my friend.

The hardest part about Daddy being gone is that I can no longer tell or show him how much I love him, I can't plan special trips, or even surprise him with a Key Lime pie. I have to be secure in the knowledge that he knew how much I adored him. I adore him still, but I still feel the urge and the need to do things for him that remind him of this, even though he is no longer to able to receive them. I have to settle now for things that will keep his memory alive, not just in me, but for everyone who knew him.

Here is my list of the things I love and cherish about you Daddy. These are not in an order of importance and I could have gone on...for a while. These are just a few of the thing that made me smile. I hope that I can give John, Ryan and Anna the same things. I love you!

 Thank you for:

1.       Letting me have the last cinnamon roll at breakfast on Satruday mornings.

2.       Making me chocolate milk with a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich (a habit I still can’t break).

3.       Inventing the “toaster grilled cheese” because after working all night you were too exhausted to break out the pan, but could never tell us “no”.

4.       Taking me to the park to ride my bike when the “playoffs” were on.

5.       Letting me sit on your lap…at 29

6.       Buying dipped cones from DQ for us with your last bit of “mad money”.

7.       Dancing with me standing on your toes (even at 8 years old).

8.       Carrying me to bed even though I was really too heavy to pick up.

9.       Letting me steal the claussen pickle that came with your sandwich from the sub shop.

10.   Looking at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world.

11.   Eating my cooking when I just started learning and telling me it was delicious.

12.   Taking the training wheels off my bike even though you didn’t want to see me fall.

13.   Butterfly kisses

14.   Believing in me even when I didn’t

15.   Teaching me to tie my shoe.

16.   Showing me how to dunk an oreo cookie in milk.

17.   Teaching me the finer points of T.V. shows like M.A.S.H., Chips, and WWF wrestling.

18.   Watching me perform ridiculously silly dance routines to Whitney Houston and keeping a straight face.

19.   Always getting me Powdered Donuts when I asked for them at the store.

20.   Teaching me how to express myself by writing. Reading my childish stories and helping me make them better.

21.   Giving me the courage to approach a Newspaper Editor at 13 and ask for a job, then taking me to celebrate when I did.

22.   Letting me know that if I gave you “the look”, I would get ANYTHING out of you.

23.   Teaching me how to love culinary delicacies like meatloaf, egg salald, and tuna fish sandwhiches.

24.   Letting me squish the egg in the meatloaf mix.

25.   Talking to me about life while you were shaving in the morning

26.   Always holding me tight after a bad dream

27.   Disciplining me when I needed it and teaching me to own my own mistakes.

28.   Teaching me to ride the scariest roller coasters when I just barely met the height requirement, and making me feel like superwoman even though I probably ruptured your ear drums screaming.

29.   Wheel barrow rides after we raked up all the leaves on the yard…well you raked most of them ;)

30.   Never missing a school function even if it meant coming in your police uniform on your lunch break.

31.   Pretending to eat Play-dough like 1000 times

32.   Always asking me to ride as your “wing man” for errands.

33.   Intimidating every boy I ever dated and letting them know they weren’t good enough for your little girl.

34.   Wanting to see me all dressed up for every formal, even if you were at work…oh and showing me off like I was Miss America.

35.   Giving me bear hugs and letting me cry when someone or something broke my heart.

36.   Giving me a love for History.

37.   Telling me stories of your youth

38.   Loving my mother with your whole heart.

39.   Always showing your emotions even when it meant crying in front of 200 people as we danced at my wedding.

40.   Dressing up in camo with a super soaker and water balloon grenades for our water fight and chasing us for an hour.

41.   Teaching me to do the ugly face.

42.   The times you didn’t make me eat my vegetables (sorry Mom).

43.   Taking me sailing

44.   Showing me the meaning of integrity.

45.   Teaching me to shoot a gun

46.   Taking me to the “good spots” for Halloween candy

47.   Putting sugar on my cheerios

48.   Letting my kids get away with stuff I never could have pulled

49.   Coaching Ryan’s t-ball team

50.   Putting up with my 90’s grunge phase

51.   Teaching me to pray

52.   Letting Anna try to teach you to speak again

53.   Fighting for time with us even when you wanted to give up

54.   Showing me how to leave the world with dignity even when the stroke tried to strip you of it.

55.   Showing and teaching me God’s love through your actions.

 

For my friends who have lost a parent, I encourage to to make your own list. It made me smile thinking about the things that made my Daddy unique. For my Friends who are still lucky enough to enjoy the health of  both your parents, I encourage you to take a moment and make your own list, share it with your parent(s). You might be surprised at how much it means to them.

 

Sometimes it is okay to say "I can't"

One month after I finally decided to go back to college and started classes, Dad had the stroke. I spent as much time with him as I could. I saw him pretty much everyday. I made dinner for him almost every night. That was the only thing I could do to help him..to cook.  Really?  Try that one on for size...your parent is suffering and all you can do is try to make them smile and bring food.

 It wasn't enough, it will never be enough. Don't get me wrong, I do not feel guilty. I know I did everything I could have, spent every free moment I had with Dad. That is not the point. The point is I pushed on through class, I endured life. It SUCKED.

I have spent the past 13 months telling myself  "keep moving, keep pushing forward, don't break down, almost there, as soon as this is over you can have your moment".  I have lived the "fall off the horse, jump right back on and try again" cliche. I have been waiting for "my moment".

My "moment" came last night while I was making dinner and realized I had no cream of mushroom soup for my recipe.  Tears fell like rain and then came the shouting. OVER SOUP! Well, not really over the soup... you get the picture, it was my breaking point. 

While the breaking point happened last night, the revelation came today.  I was sitting on the back deck and drinking my coffee, thinking about my ridiculous meltdown, all of the ridiculous school work that has become my life, stupid bills, stupid laundry, ridiculous bad hair day (are we seeing a trend) when I though to myself , "STOP!  You can do this, keep pushing..." and then "NO, that answer is not good enough anymore. How many times am I going to say just over this next hurdle and then I will deal with all of this, then I will breathe." I literally could not see a stopping point until...oh, August of 2015...when I graduate with my Bachelors! NOT GOOD. 

 So I have decided to make a stopping point for myself.  I withdrew from class today.  For how long?  I have no clue, a month or two at the least

Why? Because I have to deal with this. I have to heal, to flush out the gaping hole in my heart. The wound is going to take time to heal either way. Do I let it fester and get really bad or do I spiritually cleanse and let God close it a little at a time?  I prefer the latter.

I know that losing someone you love takes time to deal with, to compartmentalize emotion, and to understand the loss.  I have been through the drill quite a few times, but never with a parent. There are emotions and experiences that I can't share but I will tell you that "hard" doesn't do it justice.

I want to be honest here.  I am not as strong as I appear.  If fact, I am not strong at all.  God makes my legs move everyday.  He gives me the courage to face the hurt.  He is giving me the courage to say "I can't".  I am strong on the outside because God allows me to be.  I am broken on the inside and now I am going to ask Him to heal me.

Today's Hind Sight Lesson: Saying "I can't do it" is not a weakness. It means that I am strong enough to admit that I can't do something right now. I will overcome, but I need the time to do it in. I need to breathe and to regroup. I need to fix the broken leg I sustained after falling off of the horse instead of trying to get back on with it still broken.

Here Comes Goodbye... for now

It has been exactly two weeks since I recieved the phone call that has forever changed my life. While I am not ready to make "the post" yet, I did want to share the Eulogy that I wrote and gave at my Daddy's funeral. It was by far the hardest thing that I have ever done in my whole life.

Let me first say that God gave me the strength to speak and it was something I needed to do for my Dad as well as myself. It was my way of honoring his life and the legacy he left behind.

I will warn you that this is long...very, very, long. When I finished writing I didn't go back through and proof read for errors in grammer or in punctuation. I didn't read it again until the day I read it aloud. So, I appologize for any errors that you find. I still don't want to go through and proof this. It consists of pure, raw emotion and all of the pain, and beautiful memories that I will carry with me forever.

Here it is:

Everyone who knew my Daddy knows that he had a way with words. He found the perfect words to say in every moment of life; everything from big life events and small family gatherings to one on one conversation. He had beautiful words to offer: words to comfort, words to praise, words to encourage, words to make you smile.
While this was one of my favorite things about Daddy, even more I love the fact that his actions in life spoke more than his words ever could. He lived with integrity, honor, kindness,
faith, and most of all he loved with everything he had.

As his daughter, I am honored to share with you the man that my mother, my brother and I knew. He was a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a friend, a teacher, a servant, a
coach, a mentor, and a protector. Each one of the roles he played in life were always performed to the very best of his ability. Daddy was so many things to
so many people it is impossible to illustrate every facet of his character in such a short amount of time. I hope that this small tribute will honor the man that meant so much in the lives of so
many. This is my final gift to you Daddy, and I know you can hear my words now.

Daddy was born Roy HowardBrooks III to Lois Maddox Brooks and the late Roy Howard Brooks Jr. on May 6, 1947 in Miami, Florida. He graduated from Miami Sr. High in 1965. After high school he attended Miami-Dade Junior College and received an Associates of Arts degree. During his time in college he enlisted in the United States Army Reserves were he took care of wounded
soldiers at a military burn center in Texas. Daddy also spent a number of years working with the YMCA as the Youth Camp Director. In 1974 he graduated from the police academy
and started his law enforcement career with the Metro-Dade Sherriff’s office. After 8 years of service in that department, he accepted a position with the Palatka Police Department as a patrol
officer. He was soon promoted to the Detective Division and later to Detective Sergeant. While working for the Palatka Police Department, he was the firearms instructor, defensive tactics instructor, a certified instructor for criminal justice standards, and worked with the DEA on
several cases. Daddy returned to the patrol division and retired from the City
of Palatka as a Master Sergeant. After moving to Georgia he accepted a position at Gordon College Police Department where he ended his 37 year law enforcement career as a Sergeant.

At the age of 33, Daddy met the love of his life and wife of almost 32 years, Mary Lee. It was a blind date that started it all and my mother knew after spending eight short hours with my father that she would spend the rest of her life loving only him. Their first official date was on a
sailboat, just the two of them and Daddy always told me “I fell in love with
your mom the day we spent together sailing. I knew without a doubt that I never wanted to leave her side from that day forward.” As a child, I remember hearing their love story over and over. I could see the pixie dust and the magic each time they told their story and I truly imagined them as a real life fairytale.

As an adult, I know the love they shared far surpassed any fairy tale ever told. I am not referring to the superficial boy meets girl, falls in love, gets married and lives happily ever
after. I am talking about real love, true love, a real life soul mate; someone to share everyday life with, someone that is so in tune to your own thoughts and feelings, your reactions and needs that words are no longer necessary. Real love is not
perfect. It involves disagreements, work, and most of all commitment. It wasn’t until I sat in a chair in the corner of Daddy’s ICU room 13 months ago that I understood fully what type of bond my parents actually shared. My whole life I knew they loved each other. I knew they were happy, and committed, but it was in that moment and the ones to follow when I truly understood. As I watched my father’s aching need for my mother to be near in the worst moment of his
life, and her desire to comfort him, to take his pain as her own and to never leave his side I knew that their love surpassed mere marriage and even society’s definition of love. It was the first time that I truly witnessed the bond they shared together and it was one of the most beautiful and heart breaking moments I will ever see in my life.

My brother and I have been blessed with two parents that not only loved each other, but love each of us more than anything in this world. Our parents made every moment of our childhood special and set an example of family that I only hope I will be able to emulate with my own children. We grew up in a house full of hugs and kisses; I love you’s, laughter, encouragement, and understanding. They made us their focus and top priority, helping us grow and understand the joy life has to offer as well as how to shoulder the disappointment. It is because of their love
and the sense of family we gained in our childhood that Roy and I grew up to be the people we are today.

The term Daddy’s girl does not begin to illustrate the love and respect I feel for my father and the pride I have felt my entire life being Roy Brooks’ daughter. Growing up as a police officer’s daughter, I understood the sacrifice my father made every day to protect and serve the
community. He walked out of our home and willingly put his life on the line to see that justice was served and our community was safe. Most little girls grow up thinking that their father is a hero. In my case my father was not just my hero, but a hero to so many. He chased away my bad dreams in the middle of the night and fought real life “bad guys” during the day. His job consisted of late hours and shift work, holidays and weekends. Through all of this, he never missed one Christmas, thanksgiving, birthday, ball game, school play, graduation, or prom. Even
if he was in his uniform on his lunch hour, he made time for my brother and me. I knew that I mattered to him, that my life mattered to him. I knew that no matter how big or small my achievements, they made him proud and that made me work twice as hard to see his beautiful smile.I have always known that I didn’t need to be famous, achieve some monumental goal, or be the best at anything for Daddy to love me, I just needed to be me. It was as simple as that.

Daddy taught me how to cherish every moment, to absorb not only the major moments in my life but to relish in the laughter and joy I experienced every day. He taught me how to take mental snapshots so that I could replay theses memories and reflect on how truly blessed I really
am. We spent hours talking of our life together, our family memories, and reliving both the good times and the hard times. As a little girl he made me feel cherished and adored. He taught me to
respect myself, and to believe in myself. He helped guide me as a teenager, and helped me understand the pressures I would face as a young adult. He raised me to respect him, but not to fear him. I was never afraid to come to him with my mistakes, no matter how large
or small. He never judged me; he listened and helped me figure out a solution by relating his own life and his own mistakes to mine. “Michelle", he would say, "you are going to make mistakes your whole life baby, it is what you learn from those mistake that counts. No
matter what you do, know that I will always be here, and I will always, always
love you”.

The most important lesson my father taught my brother and I was how to love God, how to turn to the Lord for comfort and for strength, to be grateful every day that I draw breath. To be
humbled by God’s grace, and to love the Savior that sacrificed everything to forgive our sins. To know that forgiveness came at a high price for Jesus, and that it is a gift and not my right. I know that because of his faith in Jesus Christ, I will see him again.

Even in death my father continues to teach me, and in my heart I know he will for the rest of my
life. I know that over the course of my time with Daddy, he has been preparing me with the knowledge to live without him. I promise to listen for your voice Daddy.

Not only was this man a wonderful father, but if it is even possible, I think he was an even better
grandfather to my children. He found the perfect balance of spoiling them rotten and helping me to shape then into who they will become as adults. They were his pride and joy. They made him smile over this past year when no one else could. Daddy was as active a part of their life as
he was in my childhood. He came to every play, program, and ball game he could. He coached my son Ryan in t-ball, and that will be forever one of my most cherished memories. Anyone who spent any time with Daddy at all, no doubt heard countless stories of his grandchildren, and how they made him smile.

While driving this week, I was trying to think of some way to help my children understand this loss. A song titled , “these are the words I would say” from Sidewalk Prophets came on
the radio and I could hear my father telling me to pass this along to his
babies.

John, Ryan, and Anna- If your Pops could tell you anything it is this-

Be strong in the Lord and Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things I already know,
God's got His hand on you so Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray. Even though you can’t see or hear me, I am always with you. I love you.

The last year of my father’s life was far from easy. It held moments of great sorrow, but also moments with him to treasure. We were able to share another year of life with him, and he fought every day to make that happen for us. I can’t begin to imagine the battle he faced trying to stay here with us for as long as he could. At the end, there were no confessions of love and forgiveness not because he couldn’t make them, but because they were not needed. Daddy spent
every moment of his life showing us how much he loved us. He lived his life to the fullest every day and loved with all of his heart.

I know that my father was not perfect, but he was the closest thing to perfect I will ever see this side of heaven. He was my protector, my teacher, and my friend. I will miss him every day
that is left of my time here on this earth, but I rejoice in the fact that I will meet him in Heaven and we will never part again.

I love you Daddy.

What I learned this Christmas

Since the topic of this blog is mostly focused on “hindsight”, I thought that I would share one of the biggest lessons of my life to this point. Plus, writing is the biggest outlet that I have right now, and I can hear my Dad saying “Write it down, I know it feels better when you do”. So, I hope all of you will be patient, as this is gonna be a long one…

When I was a little girl (about 10 years old) I used to think that I was going to be the next Danielle Steele, and my Daddy would tell me that if I put my mind to it, I could be anything that I wanted. He sat for hours editing, re-wording, and explaining what the meaning of constructive criticism. Back then I thought he was amazing for helping me, today I realize that this was his way of nurturing my dreams, and giving me courage to explore my talents as an individual. So, this one is for you Daddy…
We are all guilty of it. Moving around through life as if we have all the TIME in the world to spend with the ones we love. TIME to do this or that, TIME to say I love you, TIME to HEAR IT IN RETURN. We argue with each other and expect to have TIME to heal those words. We complain about the weather, the bills, politics, and religion. We gossip, make fun of each other, and judge without taking a second look. If you are reading this, be honest with yourself, I have done all of those things and so have you. Of course, we have different degrees of what we a guilty of, but we are all guilty.
WE ARE HUMAN. WE HAVE FLAWS.
My Daddy has taught me to absorb great moments, almost take a snapshot of them to replay and reflect on. I can’t tell you the number of times he and I have sat together and just reveled in life’s blessings. He is my favorite person to do this with, mostly because I can literally see his eyes light up while I watch him reliving these moments.
I want to say that my Daddy IS MY HERO. He always has been and always will be. Since my Daddy has been a police officer my whole life, I literally have a Daddy that fights the “bad guys”. I remember thinking that he was a superhero when I was a child and that nothing could ever hurt him. He is compassionate, loving, and sentimental. He gives the best hugs, and tells me he loves me as much as I need to hear it. Sometimes he tells me just to watch my face light up. I could go on and on about what kind of Father that I have, and how amazing he is. I know that people like to paint perfect pictures in time like this, but if you had asked me three weeks ago I would have told you the same thing. I HAVE THE PERFECT DADDY.
If you know me at all, you know that I have been a Daddy’s girl my entire life. He can do no wrong in my eyes. I remember when (the few times it actually happened) he would get upset with me; I had the opposite reaction of most people. I didn’t get defensive, I looked inward. What did I do? How can I be better? You might be shaking your head right now, but I am only like this with Dad. I know it sounds silly, but his opinion has always been the one that counted the most, and still is.
So here is the elephant that I have been avoiding and talking my way around. My Daddy had a stroke. What is the medical definition of that….WHO CARES. Let me tell you what the real definition is, the one that medical science doesn’t provide.
A stoke is a thief, a robber of the worst kind. It steals your loved one from you. It is not kind, nor does it care who the victim is. It does not care what destruction it leaves, or how much it hurts the people it effects. It steals life, sometimes not completely, but it steals as much as it can and leaves you to clean up the mess without fully knowing what mess there is to clean up. It does all of these things and more. It leaves fear, disgust, anger, sadness, and EMENSE PAIN. The worst thing of all is that if the Stroke does not take the life completely, it traps the victim in his mind. The victim has to watch loved ones hurt without the opportunity to provide comfort. He watches the pain in their eyes, He can’t tell you of his own pain. He can think on his own but can’t do on his own. The stoke robs pride and dignity, words, and hugs. It tries to rob love, but that is where it fails.
So now, it comes down to what I have learned.

1. Jesus is Lord.
Not that I didn’t know this before, but it is more prevalent in my life than ever before. The doctors say things that they find, give us reports, and try to speculate on what they think will happen. My Lord however, is the one who decides. I am not going to get into a lengthy discussion on my faith, but I am going to say that without my faith I have NOTHING. I mean that in the literal sense as well as in a permanent sense. The Lord is the one who is making my legs move, He is the one who is keeping me from falling apart at the seams. If you are judging me right now, that is fine by me. I will not deny my heavenly Father and His power, because I have seen (in the course of my life) and continue to see daily how He works. I also know with every fiber of my being that when I lose a loved one (and at some point I will) it will only be once. I know this because I understand the full concept of what Heaven is and why I am going there, not because I am a good person, or because I deserve to go, but because my sins were PAID IN FULL.

2. I need to take time to live my life.
I am going to say it again, not that I don’t live, but I want to be more present in my own life. I want to be greatful for the chaos of the holidays, for my crazy wonderful family. I want to not worry about STUPID things like who said what or did whatever. WHO CARES!!! I no longer have time for grudges, for hurt feelings, and for people taking advantage of others. Take advantage of me, use me, and take whatever you can. I know I need to explain that last sentence and I will. I just simply mean that I want to give with all I have and not worry about what I get in return. I don’t want to ever see gifts under a tree again. I want revel in the gifts of love that God has given me. I know that I live this way some of the time, but this reminded me that I need to do this more. We all know the old cliché “tomorrow is not promised to anyone”, but that slapped me in the face last week in a big way. I saw my Daddy on Tuesday, we laughed, we hugged, and acted like we would see each other again and still be able to interact in the same way for the rest of time. Wednesday he had a massive Stroke that should have taken his life. No warning, no signs, nothing. The first regret was …why didn’t I hold him longer, smell his cologne, look in his eyes and say I love you with all the meaning in my heart. I can’t get that moment back, but I can change the ones to come. Not just the moments with Daddy, but with everyone.

There are more lessons to take from this, but these were my favorite.

Another thing, my Daddy is still here, he is alive, he knows who I am and is the same person on the inside he has always been. I am not writing him off, in fact I believe with all of my heart that God will bring him back to us one piece at a time. What I struggle with the most is watching my Hero, watch me watching him struggle. I am scared to do something wrong, scared to help too much, and desperately trying to find balance.

The point of this blog is to HOLD ON TO EVERY MOMENT. You don’t know what tomorrow brings.

Crossing my Fingers

Okay... I have never thought of myself as a "blogger", but I enjoy reading other blogs and have wondered how it would feel to have my own. I wanted to write about something real, and something that I am passionate about.

So, Since I LOVE (and I mean LOVE) to tell people things that I have learned about being a mother/wife, and usually force my knowledge on an unsuspecting "bride to be", or poor pregnant friend of mine, I decided that this might be a better outlet. This way the information is out there, and if you find it useful...take it... if not hopefully I will make you laugh in the process.

Here is the fine print...


1. I am horrible with commas and these little .... things. When I write, the words just come out and I huff...a lot so I put these things there because they make sense to me :)

2. I run on A LOT. Things I write make me think of other things I want to say in the same sentence. So be prepared for these... ( ) and lots of these ,

3. Sorry in advance if I offend you. I have OPINIONS and my experience to go on, not a PhD. I know what works for me, and what I would do over. It probably will be completely different for you, but maybe knowing what to expect in some situations, and what could happen might help a little.

4. My grammar is not the best, and my punctuation stinks. I could take the time to fix it, but my 11th grade English teacher is not grading or reading it so whateva :)

Now that is out of the way.

I have no college degree. It took me a while to realize why God had me on this path instead of the one I mapped out for myself. I have spent the past 10 1/2 years raising children. I am HAPPILY married, which took some work and is a daily effort to stay there. I hope to tell you some of the things I wish I would have known BEFORE they actually happened, and how I wish I would have handled it. You know like... what actually happens while you are pregnant, or when you go to the hospital to deliver the baby, or when you bring this baby home. How is it going to affect your marriage, and "no, your life is NOT over", why am I crying ALL the time, the Pediatrician that you are seeing is NOT God and yes he/she can/will make a mistake, "yes, you are overweight...do SOMETHING about it and quit whining", and my favorite...stop trying to be perfect! Basicallyit consists of all the fun stuff, the hard truths that no one really talks about.

Some of these were my hangups, and there are plenty more. I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by a wonderful support network of friends, and family that are in all stages of life. I actually have "mommy friends" now, and they understand how hard it can/will be and how rewarding it is. This wasn't always the case for me. Hearing someone tell me for the first time that I was not alone in my feelings (who actually had some of them) made the world of difference. i hope it does for you too.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that I can do this and not look like a total idiot.


Let's get started :)

Chelle